Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
