I think i peed on brittanys purse
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
