You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I puked a lego.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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