Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
