I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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