if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
