Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
