you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
