what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
