I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
