You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have tasted many bathrooms
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
