I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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