We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
