Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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