he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
