today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am available for nakedness
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
