I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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