i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
