I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
