I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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