She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
