I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
