Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
