I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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