Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
