Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
