life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
