I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
