Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
