sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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