After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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