i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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