I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.