The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken