we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
