My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm really busy with my period
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