I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
