woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Did I show you my penis last night?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
