this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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