I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
