Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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