Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
