She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
