I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
