I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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