In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
