he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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