oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
