my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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