Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
