WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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