Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
