I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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