I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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