you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.