I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything