If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.