I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
