I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
